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Written by Iron Man on Sunday, 27 May 2012 11:28

In the absence of real news and my aneurysm-inducing hatred of hollow transfer speculation, I have taken it upon myself to try and think outside the proverbial box and come up with a series of “and now for something completely different” articles. Baring in mind my hectic life schedule and my crippling laziness, the series might not last long. In fact, I’d be impressed if it goes any further than this one piece. Hell, I'll be impressed if I don't get bored halfway through and actually get it finished!

Apparently, Blathering Sepp Blatter wants an alternative way to decide matches than the 'tragedy' of penalty kicks. I'd like to think it was inspired by the West London scum's unjust Champions League final win last week. This website's very own Harry “Hazzaboy21” Haroldson* made a comment on Twitter suggesting an unarmed fight to the death between players from opposing teams to determine a winner in matches when the score remains deadlocked after all the playing time hath elapsed. I assumed he was joking but who knows? Maybe I'm being presumptuous and he is actually a blood-thirsty maniac who derives pleasure from seeing grown men violently take each others' lives. It's the internet, I figure 4 out of every 5 people are like that. In any instance, it got me thinking. I found myself sat in a meeting at work contemplating which of the current side I'd pick to go into battle should such a scenario ever present itself.

Assuming 'Death Time' (sponsored by Budweiser) is actually regulated, I should imagine it would resemble existing shootouts where you select your 5 men and an unassailable 3 kill margin would seal victory. This would be my five...

1. Wojciech Szczesny – The Powerhouse

There was no way I was even going to attempt this piece without resorting to lazy, misguided, borderline offensive stereotyping based purely on preconceptions and misconceptions about certain nationalities. The Polish strike me as a very 'hard' nation. Communism seems to have bred a raft of physically tough men that would have your eye out for daring to cast a glance at their incredibly attractive women. Or their vodka. Our Pole in the goal is no different. Sure, he gives off this impression of jovial, laid back guy who pokes fun at Spurs for our amusement but deep down you know, if it came down to it, he wouldn't hesitate to give you the old Warsaw kiss. Plus he's chuffing huge too. At 6'5”, he'll have the reach advantage in pure hand-to-hand combat. I've seen him punch a corner away that nearly reached the halfway line. Imagine if that was someone's face.

2. Thomas Vermaelan – The Assassin

The stare says it all. With Tommy V, half the battle is already won simply by making eye contact. If you dare to hold his gaze for longer than you should, you actually see into the seventh circle of hell. The Belgian will bore a hole right through your skull just by looking at you and has the demeanour of a man that will cold-bloodedly snap your spine before massacring your loved ones and then heading off to buy breakfast at the diner like it aint no thing! It is only once he finishes his eggs benedict will he dispose of the bodies.

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3. Emmanuel Frimpong – The Wildman


I don't think you'd get much in the way of strategy from Manny. However, if you want a man prepared to fight to the bitter end without any regard the welfare of either himself, his opponent or anyone within a 500 yard radius, then look no further. We saw signs of it in his cameo against Liverpool earlier this season. Jordan Henderson and Lucas Levia still wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night. Manny has also spent part of the campaign under the tutelage of the great Sensei Karl Henry to truly master the ancient art of maiming by football boot. After their little spat in November, I heard on the grapevine that Samir Nasri is using all that extra money City are paying him to get cosmetic surgery so Frimpong doesn't recognise him on his next trip to the Emirates – That and the fact he has a face that looks like it's been repeatedly kicked by an angry mule.

4. Andrei Arshavin – The Psycho

Having already exhausted the Eastern Bloc generalisations on Szcezney, I guess it would just be lazy to repeat them for here. Much of the same applies however given that Russia is basically Poland on steroids. However, rather than being the 'muscle', little Arsh will have sheer lunacy on his side. The on-loan Russian certainly has a bit of Norman Bates about him. The harmless looking kind that would lure you into a false sense of security - allowing you to think you've won. This would turn out be regrettable mistake. The second you drop your guard, Andrei will pounce and before long he will be sat at his dining table eating your heart with a side of roast potatoes and wearing your skin as a pashmina.

5. Alex Song – The vigilante

Alex Song doesn't care about you. Alex Song cares even less about consequences. His 'tactical fouls' in every other game are all part of a grander scheme. Merely a warning. Like Frimpong, Song will leave his calling card. And by calling card I mean stud marks embedded in your calf, of course. But rather than wild or reckless, Song is more cerebral. Don't let the dopey look fool you. People thought Travis Bickle was just a Taxi Driver. In fact, tell me you don't see Song standing front of his mirror demanding to know who his reflection is talking to. Besides, nobody on earth would walk around would that hair if he wasn't prepared to 'iron out' the collective arse of everyone who would dare to take the p!ss.

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We're no Stoke City (God forbid) but I reckon that's a pretty solid five to stand up and take lives in the name of The Arsenal.

On the filpside, there are then the five you wouldn't even want to allow to watch fights on television let alone trust to go into physical, bloody, battle for the Cannon.

1. Theo Walcott
Poor, sweet, innocent little Theo. I still imagine he cries and hides behind his mum when his siblings call him names.
2. Abou Diaby
A six foot plus black man would ordinarily be the first person you'd look to if you wanted someone on your side in a scrap. However, given the fact getting out of bed in the morning causes him serious injury, I imagine actual physical confrontation would actually make his bones disintegrate.
3. Yossi Benayoun
A soft breeze would prove to be his downfall. Think about poor Yossi in a fight. ….Ok, you can stop crying now.
4. Marouane Chamakh
More likely to spend time in the hairdresser than on the sparing pads in the gym. Might scratch your eyes if you get too close though.
5. Bacary Sagna
For some reason, as battle is about to commence, I can just hear him saying in a seductive French accent “I'm a lover, not a fighter” and for a moment we all forget ourselves and swoon.

Twitter @IronMan_AV

*Possibly not his real name

Comments (16)

  • Tony  - Fantastic!
    Hahahaha..... Writers on this site are doing something different, first it was WB, now this...its just hilarious. Just what the doctor ordered in this early days of PL withdrawal symptoms and the plague like conditions of transfer rumours....
    Keep it coming you guys.
  • Spectrum
    Some sensible comments on the Van Persie issue and the club's transfer requirements ( from the Le Grove blog ).......

    "The biggest fear amongst Arsenal fans isn’t the loss of Robin Van Persie. It’s the fear the manager won’t replace him adequately. Herein lies the problem people. If we never replace our best players, we never restore our reputation in the eyes of the squad. That means each year, our other remaining players who have done well will decide to jump. You know how you amend this issue? You go out and you make a serious, serious splash in the market. "

    "Players love signings as much as the fans. They get a psychological boost knowing they’re going into work with guys they saw ripping it up at the Euro’s. We need to make sure if we sell Robin we go out and land a player like Falcao, Cavani or Giroud. We then need to make sure we sign a really top notch back up. Let’s land M’Vila or Martinez in defensive midfield and let’s really push United to their limits by trying to tempt Kagawa over. "

    "The only way we’ll get out of the self perpetuating rut is change our behaviour and the perception amongst Europe’s big clubs that we’re a weak selling club who do things on the cheap. The fans can’t keep going through this nonsense every summer. Let’s rectify the wrongs and build, if Robin goes. We can’t go into another season on a hope and prayer. "

    Hard to dispute any of the above. Will we buy the QUALITY players we need ? Not if our past history in the transfer market is anything to go by. Why have we not given Robin a deadline to meet, thereby being PROactive instead of REactive in our planning for next season ? Too logical I suppose.
  • khalifha
    Take a break spectrum, or better still stay with your swine dwellers at le grave.
    This is a classic Iron man, i especially liked the part about sagna, i wanted to see where you were heading when i saw sagna in the benayouuun list, and you didn't disappoint.
  • khalifha  - Arterta
    One player i would add is arterta. Arterta just looks like he would beat you up then force you to apologise for hitting your face on his fist and still find time to look at himself beating your arse up in the mirror.
  • Jacobite Gunner  - Spectrum, jus fak off eh...
    I must agree with you khalifha.

    I've had a look at that le grove site before and I've never read an original thought in any of the articles- I mean, I would get more arsenal and football insight lookin at a dugs rectum than that le grove jiberish.

    Jus fak off 2 the gutterhole that is le grove spectrum, where your @1 with your dimwitted, incoherrant fannies
  • MeanLean
    It just shows the intentions of some, when they cannot even comment on the actual article. How some can write the same tired nonsense is beyond me.

    Who is the intended target? How many times can you say the same things astounds me.

    Thank you Iron Man for an original and funny piece of writing. Much better than listening to the same old boring repetitive rubbish that pollutes the internet.
  • FOYS
    Spot on again Spectrum. Nearly every season we sell our best player and replace them with an inexperienced newcomer. Thus the other players get pissed off and want to leave as well...... never ending circle under Wenger. IWWR!!!!
  • sigey
    wow! Song and Frimmy - full force
  • Spectrum
    FOYS - Good to have you on here. Sadly ( or should that be, disturbingly ) the A.K.B.'s just refuse to acknowledge let alone admit, that our policies regarding the team are being mishandled. We fall into the same holes every time, and wonder why we never climb out of them. And when someone analyses why and suggests a likely solution to take us FORWARD, they get pilloried for it. The only solution the die hard conservatives like Khalifa and Jacobite Gunner have is to keep trusting that Wenger "knows" what he is doing. More of the same, when the same has been proved to not be working.

    Mean Lean obviously endorses this head in the sand outlook by his comment that any hopeful alternative to this stagnation is (quote ) "the same old boring repetitive rubbish". Apparently it's more important to publish lightweight fluff like the article above, than to propose realistic solutions to why we just dig ourselves deeper into that hole I mentioned.

    Makes you wonder who the real supporters are.The ones who are actively trying to improve our prospects, or the lazy self satisfied ones, who resist and are content to live off memories for the next ten years.

  • paspartu
    spectrum you have written three paragraphs basically attacking and undermining three different posters from whom you seek their acceptance, and a football manager with a minimum 30 years experience in football management and club set up.

    you then attack the manager for policies which are drawn from the board.....

    you are A CRETIN ...... :D

    have a nice day now :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  • craig
    paspartu - back again with your trash talk. Go away - back to your little cave you Spud Scum. :lol:
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  • richie  - Excrement floats to the surface unfortunately!
    Oh dear more of Spectrums Goons have floated up from the depths. I warned everyone about Spectrum requesting help from the Neanderthals on the low interlect blogs to help him attack Arsenal Vision. And now we can all see his request hasn't fallen on deaf ears, we've got FOYS to add to craig. I'm sure the zealot Spectrum is on a quest to lower the tone of the blog after all would any sane person bother trying to converse with the plankton on either Le Grove or Arsenal Truth? Reading something as distressfully simple minded as "the Sun" is tiring enough for anyone with even a moderate IQ. For a simpletons version of "the Sun" type views on football turn to the above 2 blogs with confidence.
  • paspartu
    heheh well said richie ...that piece of shit gets angrier with our support to wenger day after day ...he is more interested in proving to us that wenger aint all that, than actually supporting arsenal ..thats what i see ..

    he also dont like it when true and loyal fans praise the manager for the things he gets right ( which is 99% of times)

    i have never seen him praise any of our performance or any of our players or any of our manager;s achievements with ARSENAL.

    the kid dont even know who to blame anymore ... :lol: :lol: :lol: he blames an employee for the decissions of those who hold more than 60% of the club .....hahaha what a fkng tosspot :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  • diaby
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