"You've certainly tried to go out with a girl and find she has chosen someone else. You don't commit suicide" - another classic quote from Mr Arsene Wenger, Arsenal’s long-serving, urbane, polyglot genius of a manager.

Getting a knock back on a date is an apt analogy of Arsenal’s travails in the transfer market so far this season.  Thus far, the club’s transfer exertions could be described as the footballing version of a bollocks speed dating night. Perhaps the worst date night ever.

Eight years ago the club was an attractive prospect. One guaranteed to provide Europe’s football playing elite with many great nights out and lots of nice, shiny trophy-like gifts to go alongside freebies from sponsors.

Today AFC has become the footballing embodiment of the moneyed, slightly awkward - in a pain-the-arse-know-it-all way rather than a charming one – oddball, that the best looking birds don’t want to talk to.

The person who might ask you out on a date but then take you to the cheapest place they can find. The kind of date who brags about how wealthy they are, but then insists on only going for a meal and drinks, if it’s a buffet and happy hour with 2-for1s guaranteed.

It’s just as well he is this upbeat, because Wenger - and by the default the club - have been turned down and rebuffed by lots of footballing totty in recent weeks. First there was the leggy brunette Gonzalo Higuain who was keen on hooking up with Arsenal, but decided to try his luck with a pleasant, slightly overweight ambitious Spaniard.

He eventually gave up on Arsenal when he noticed Wenger dithering and ‘making the eyes’ at a certain Uruguayan. That Uruguayan in question was Luis Suarez of Liverpool – the Premier League’s answer to Chris De Burgh’s Lady in Red.

Suarez and his emollient agent gave Wenger the come-on, encouraging him and his transfer wingman Dickie, to flash the cash on an ill-advised, pre-deadline double date. Never mind the biting of Ivanovic or accusations of racism. Who cares? That Suarez is such a hottie with a great set of teeth.

All of a sudden Wenger changed tack and went into full-on, cash-flashing, sugar daddy mode. And boy did he flash the cash, in a £40million and one quid debacle that made Arsenal seem like a desperate, midlife crisis case, trying to buy a hot, young second wife.

Especially as the previous one - an attractive young Dutch national with a delicate touch and a fantastic volley - decided to trade him in for some old, rich Scottish guy with a knighthood and a penchant for horse racing.

The realisation Suarez was merely flashy his shiny buck teeth at Arsenal to get Real Madrid’s attention, prompted Wenger to try his luck again with another brunette AFC used to fancy– Benzema. Benzema could indeed have the keys to Wenger’s beamer.

But Benzema is having none of it. He knows where his bread is buttered and Arsenal cannot afford to keep in the bourgeoisie, trophy-hunting, galatico lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.

Indeed things have become so desperate that Wenger and Arsenal have resorted to seeking pre-transfer deadline day comfort in the arms of an old flame thought to have burnt out a few years ago.

Flamini is back to give the relationship another try.  Back to rekindle the old footballing Barca-lite romance with his mentor. Fans thought it was a going to be a one year fling but it appears not. Flaming-hot-but-slightly-past-it Flamini is here for three more years and he’s come at a fairly hefty price.

“How much you say”?

“Why that will be 75 bags a week Monsieur Wenger. Because like Cheryl and her rosy-arsed tattoo I’m worth it”!

“You can tell Mr Dickie that too…..ooh and don’t forget Darren’s match-making bonus”.

That’s right – 75 flaming bags a week because Flamini must retain the lifestyle to which he too has become accustomed…..whether he’s worth that money is another matter.

But who knows perhaps Wenger and AFC will punch above their weight and shock us all and bring in the footballing equivalents Naomi Campbell, Marilyn Monroe and Scarlett Johansson……… or maybe not. Transfer deadline day here we come!

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Mean Lean's Response

Thank you for the humorous piece, much needed today I reckon. It could well be a busy day. Fingers crossed.